Read wad everyone has to say. For one, I never did mention that I doubted God's creation or anything to that extent. As a matter of fact, I do acknowledge that God made me the way I am and I also know that no one is made perfect as we're all sinners. I am just disappointed in myself for not being able to use the talents that the Lord has blessed me with to the best of my abilities. I am not criticising the works of the Lord but I guess sometimes it really can’t be helped when u see your fellow peers climbing faster than u, it makes u feel. Inadequate. Insufficient. Defective. I think "putting down" God's creation is too heavy a word to use. It's more of the "I don’t see myself doing something more for the Lord as God's creation".

Next, speaking of bolstering my self-confidence. How about, I don’t even have any to start with? I've always thought that playing the piano was my forte. Never knew how one sentence made by her could really tear you down completely. If you still don’t know who I’m talking about, it's my piano teacher. With that pillar I always thought I could rely on down, I guess there really isn’t anything else to bolster my confidence now is there? I knew I was never very good with my studies and piano was my backup. Now u tell me, how to even bolster my confidence when my only backup has been crushed by my own teacher? I would need to rely on that for a living in the future!

As much as we can say we wanna trust that the Lord will provide, will God rain down the basic necessities for me? We still need to do something for ourselves first right? It's the same as, praying and committing your grades and exam to the Lord, u don’t just sit there and watch TV all day and on the day of the exam itself, pray that the Lord will give you straight As? To me, this isn’t a mere useless certificate, it's something which I need to rely on. I'm disappointed that the teaching diploma WASNT even OFFERED to me! There she was telling me how impressed she was with Lynn. She then told me how hardworking she is and later on mentioned about her other students, telling me that they are quick readers. What's that suppose to mean? That I’m slow? What is the underlying meaning? That I’m lousy, not good enough!? Is that why my friend who joined you at a later time gets to take the diploma earlier than me? Lynn was given an opportunity to play in her concert when I’m not. How am I supposed to feel? Happy? Filled with exuberance? Ya. I'm happy for Lynn. I'm glad she made it that far. But for goodness sake. I'm human too aren’t I!? I've got feelings too!!

Talking about how to use God's gift to amplify His love. Isn’t it a contradiction? My piano teacher is a fellow SISTER-IN-CHRIST. Ya. I guess that is a great way of sharing God's love. Helping to bolster other people's confidence by tearing that person down first. Sadly, not everyone recovers from such heavy falls. If u can, good for you. If u can't, you'll end up like me. Thinking to yourself, how to prove your worth. Thinking about how else u can amplify His love with my gifts. That is IF I can find anything else.

Now diverting everyone's attention back to the purpose of this entry. I'm not trying to get back at any of you. Like I said, this is my only way I can share how I feel. I am thankful that I have such loving and caring friends like you all. I am just disappointed with myself. I just need sometime to find myself again in this mess. If you have been reading my past entries, I guess I need your prayers.

Lynn, Daryl, Deborah - I really really appreciate the time u took to type out that whole chuck of encouraging words. Thank you for those constant encouragements

Yien, Simin, Kenneth, Dora, Joy, Grace, Vera, Ming - Thank you for offering me your shoulders and listening ears. Thanks for showing your concern. I'm grateful that you care.