Hello everyone! Just went out with my BFF Kim yesterday! Man.. It's been a very long time since i pampered myself with GOOD FOOD sia. Here are some of the pics we took using Kim's cam. Dont drool ya. LOLX. >.<

Manhattan Seafood Platter at Manhatta Fish Market!

That was lunch. It was quite a big portion. Very very nice. The next time i go there. I'll have that again! Haha. Then we went to Starbucks to chill for like.. an hour and a half or so. Waited for the movie to start. At the mean time, we went to shop also la. Well.. She did most of the shopping cuz she's flying off thurs night to Shanghai for attachment. Am gonna miss u ya! Update your blog! *Lance secretly pops champagne* LOL

Had my usual. Mocha Frappucino >.<

We went to watch "The Simpsons Movie". Wasnt that fantastic la. I thought "Rush Hour 3" was seriously better. Funnier too. But.. Well.. Wadever. Anyway, we then decided to go to Billy Bombers. After that, we went for dessert at Changing Appetites. HAHA. We really ate a lot man! It tell u. The chocolate ice-cream was so nice. Darn. I so wanna go back there to eat soon!

Mixed Grill = Ham, Bacon, Beef, Chicken.. HEAVEN!

Chocolate Chocolate Chocolate Chocolate...........

We finally left the place at like. 9 plus? Took 111 back with Kimmy Neutron. Went home to be greeted with something new. It was a new addition to the family. Ya. If you're smart enough, it's a pet dog. Actually temporarily only la. My Godpa bought this Chihuahua and couldnt bring it home first. So he had to dump it at our place for about a month or so. Will blog about it soon. It's so small! If i'd kicked it. It'll definitely fly out the window! Haha.. I said.. IF.. Dont stare at me like that. Anyway, that's it for tonight!

Read wad everyone has to say. For one, I never did mention that I doubted God's creation or anything to that extent. As a matter of fact, I do acknowledge that God made me the way I am and I also know that no one is made perfect as we're all sinners. I am just disappointed in myself for not being able to use the talents that the Lord has blessed me with to the best of my abilities. I am not criticising the works of the Lord but I guess sometimes it really can’t be helped when u see your fellow peers climbing faster than u, it makes u feel. Inadequate. Insufficient. Defective. I think "putting down" God's creation is too heavy a word to use. It's more of the "I don’t see myself doing something more for the Lord as God's creation".

Next, speaking of bolstering my self-confidence. How about, I don’t even have any to start with? I've always thought that playing the piano was my forte. Never knew how one sentence made by her could really tear you down completely. If you still don’t know who I’m talking about, it's my piano teacher. With that pillar I always thought I could rely on down, I guess there really isn’t anything else to bolster my confidence now is there? I knew I was never very good with my studies and piano was my backup. Now u tell me, how to even bolster my confidence when my only backup has been crushed by my own teacher? I would need to rely on that for a living in the future!

As much as we can say we wanna trust that the Lord will provide, will God rain down the basic necessities for me? We still need to do something for ourselves first right? It's the same as, praying and committing your grades and exam to the Lord, u don’t just sit there and watch TV all day and on the day of the exam itself, pray that the Lord will give you straight As? To me, this isn’t a mere useless certificate, it's something which I need to rely on. I'm disappointed that the teaching diploma WASNT even OFFERED to me! There she was telling me how impressed she was with Lynn. She then told me how hardworking she is and later on mentioned about her other students, telling me that they are quick readers. What's that suppose to mean? That I’m slow? What is the underlying meaning? That I’m lousy, not good enough!? Is that why my friend who joined you at a later time gets to take the diploma earlier than me? Lynn was given an opportunity to play in her concert when I’m not. How am I supposed to feel? Happy? Filled with exuberance? Ya. I'm happy for Lynn. I'm glad she made it that far. But for goodness sake. I'm human too aren’t I!? I've got feelings too!!

Talking about how to use God's gift to amplify His love. Isn’t it a contradiction? My piano teacher is a fellow SISTER-IN-CHRIST. Ya. I guess that is a great way of sharing God's love. Helping to bolster other people's confidence by tearing that person down first. Sadly, not everyone recovers from such heavy falls. If u can, good for you. If u can't, you'll end up like me. Thinking to yourself, how to prove your worth. Thinking about how else u can amplify His love with my gifts. That is IF I can find anything else.

Now diverting everyone's attention back to the purpose of this entry. I'm not trying to get back at any of you. Like I said, this is my only way I can share how I feel. I am thankful that I have such loving and caring friends like you all. I am just disappointed with myself. I just need sometime to find myself again in this mess. If you have been reading my past entries, I guess I need your prayers.

Lynn, Daryl, Deborah - I really really appreciate the time u took to type out that whole chuck of encouraging words. Thank you for those constant encouragements

Yien, Simin, Kenneth, Dora, Joy, Grace, Vera, Ming - Thank you for offering me your shoulders and listening ears. Thanks for showing your concern. I'm grateful that you care.

Just came back from piano lesson. Sometimes long train rides can be quite a good thing. Good for u to ponder over your life. How fruitful it has been.. Or how sucky it has been, like in my case. Was just thinking about the things I could and couldn’t do.

Let’s look at the number of “I Can’t”s in my life

I can’t pray a prayer without fumbling over my words
I can’t sing as well as my other guy peers
I can’t play the piano well enough to take a teaching diploma
I can’t do anything without being stressed at the end of it
I can’t even lend a listening ear to my friends in need
I can’t keep a promise without breaking it
I can’t keep this family together
I can’t decide what I wanna do with my life
I can’t score a grade favourable enough for me to enter uni
I can’t get the work I’m tasked to do done on time
I can’t gather up enough courage to tell someone something
I can’t not cause someone to stumble somehow
I can’t help but be depressed whenever things don’t work out
I can’t drive a damn car without mounting the damn curb
I can’t do something and stay committed to doing it
I can’t lead a group of youths without thinking that I’m incapable of doing so
I can’t be there for a friend when her life is screwed (what a coincidence)
I can’t help being too sensitive, emo, whatever u call it
I can’t complete a sentence without any grammatical errors
I can’t be an encouragement to anyone when they need it most
I can’t make a decision I won’t regret later
I can’t discipline myself to do QT every night
I can’t be that faithful friend because of all my flaws
I can’t help but feel useless
I can’t help thinking that all hope is lost
I can’t control the hurt I’m feeling when I look at this long list of “I Can’t”s in my life

If I were to continue, it’ll go on forever. Try to be positive u say. Ok. I’ll try.. Well then, now let’s look at the things I can do.

…

Nothing.

I’m not surprised.. Trust me, it was way easier typing out the “I Can’t”s than the “I Can”s.

I guess, I am trying pretty hard to blend in with the rest of my peers with all the flaws in my life. Cant help but to feel that I really am of no use to society. Seriously, tell me something I am good at and I’ll applaud u.

I can’t help being negative. I guess it’s who I am, I’m person who thinks a lot when I am alone. I guess if u put me in a room alone, I’ll most prob drive myself insane. Maybe it's not a bad think if i just silenced myself from the world.

Ello.. Blogging after a long long time again. Before i start, i just wanna say that this entry is gonna be emo.. So if u cant tahan me being emo, just.. go visit another web page or something.

Anyway, i realised this is the only avenue i have to rant on and on without ppl getting irritated with me at the end of it. Well, at least i dont think so. Just came back from "Philos" band prac at Bethany Presby. Am their vocalist for a few songs. And i came to a realisation that i sound horrible. Come to think of it. I never did sound nice. Vocally that is. I always thought that i sing ok. But the more i start listening to myself, the more i realise that i dont sound nice at all. It's damn sad. Then i start to wonder. And i came to a conclusion that i suck at every other thing u can think of. Here's a list of things i will never match up to any of my other peers.

Vocals
Studies
Spiritually
Musically
Speech
Fashion
Keeping secrets
Being there for a friend

These are but what i can think of off hand. I've really started to wonder what in the world am i good at. And whenever i "think" i am good at something, i am also reminded of someone who can do that thing better than me. Depressing eh? Haiz.. Maybe i suck. What is my gift? I cant minister to others like how my peers can, and worst of all, i dont even think i am a reliable friend. I've recently let slip a secret which i kinda promised i would never tell anyone. And now that friend came to know of it. And i cant help but feel really bad about it. Even till today. I dont dare face that friend..

I guess it all boils down to me sucking in everything. Lance, you just suck. U are horrible in everything. I feel damn loser. Seriously..